Editorial: If Global Warming is True, Why Doesn't It Match My Experiences in Wisconsin

By Craig Esterbere

Listen up you liberal hippies. I'm here to fire a shot across the bow of your so-called theory of global warming. So you're saying that man-made causes are contributing to a global rise in temperature. Well, I've got news for you: last winter was one of the coldest I've ever lived through and it didn't even make it to one hundred degrees this summer.I'm saying  nearly froze my balls off cold. I don't care if you've got leftist boo-hockey explaining how rising temperatures in the Pacific leads to colder winters near Milwaukee. As far as I'm concerned, the only proper metric for scientific theories is my personal experience. It's like when those socialist bastards talk about Africa! Oh, there's a continent across the ocean with millions of people living on it and you've got maps and pictures and so-called proof it exists? Nice try, I've never seen it. If Nigeria is truly an oil producing country in Western Africa, why haven't I bathed in the waters of the Niger River? The Central African Republic isn't even a creative name for a country, you communists! Who the fuck would construct massive stone pyramids for their rulers and the rulers' cats salted remains and why did the liberal media establishment think I would fall for such a terrible backstory for this "Egypt"? It's an insult to my intellect to even suggest shit like this. Next time big government ninnies want to construct a well supported scientific theory the world should believe, I've got an idea for you: consult my life in and around Waukesha, Wisconsin.

Comings and Goings

Getting lost in the places that are the most Familiar

Feeling at home away from everything you know

Some are meant to wander,

it seems.

“What was it, again, that I came here to find?”

you ask yourself

nightmares of inefficiency and

god forbid

counterproductivity

The pig snorts as he eats your slop,

His delicacy.

Tell yourself again once again

that the path you are on is the path

one cannot leave, no matter

misfortune or misplaced effort;

So live happily and then die with content,

and do things in between

that you don’t hate

and some

that you love.

Petition to Add “Unless it Helps Me Masturbate” to All Federal Crimes Receives Vocal Support

Washington DC – A recently created We the People petition to add “Unless it Helps Me Masturbate” to all federal crimes had received upwards of 80,000 signatures at press time. The proposed amendment would add a secondary condition to all federal crimes stipulating that the defendant cannot be prosecuted if the crime helps them masturbate.

When reached for comment the petition’s author, Michael Hassberter, said “So for example it would be illegal to drive with a blood alcohol content of more than .08 percent unless it helped me or one of my friends masturbate. And then if a police officer pulled me over and said ‘Son, are you aware you’re committing a crime’ and I can show him my pulsing penis in my hands. And then it’s not a crime. That’s how it would work.”

Critics of the petition argue that one’s brief sexual fantasies should not supersede an American citizen’s rights to privacy, life, or liberty as recognized by the United States Constitution.

Said Ricky McHanohey, legal scholar and Bed, Bath and Beyond Hand Lotion Enthusiast, from his parent’s basement, “What people don’t realize is that you have rights but sometimes those can be taken away if it’s for the public good. Sure, you have the right to free speech but then the Sedition Act of 1918 suspended that right for the public good. Sometimes sacrifices are made. I just fail to see how my and thousands of other’s desire to beat it isn’t a public good worthy of a murder or vehicular manslaughter. I mean you’re weighing someone’s right to privacy against 90% population of males age 18-26. It’s simply not as black and white an issue as people are making it out to be.“

The recently formed super PAC We’re Cumming For The Violation of Your Most Basic Human Rights wholeheartedly endorsed the petition after previously supporting Anthony Weiner’s failed re-election bid.

Per the terms of the We the People website, President Barack Obama is required to respond to the request if it reached 100,000 signatures.