Washington DC – A recently created We the People petition to add “Unless it Helps Me Masturbate” to all federal crimes had received upwards of 80,000 signatures at press time. The proposed amendment would add a secondary condition to all federal crimes stipulating that the defendant cannot be prosecuted if the crime helps them masturbate.
When reached for comment the petition’s author, Michael Hassberter, said “So for example it would be illegal to drive with a blood alcohol content of more than .08 percent unless it helped me or one of my friends masturbate. And then if a police officer pulled me over and said ‘Son, are you aware you’re committing a crime’ and I can show him my pulsing penis in my hands. And then it’s not a crime. That’s how it would work.”
Critics of the petition argue that one’s brief sexual fantasies should not supersede an American citizen’s rights to privacy, life, or liberty as recognized by the United States Constitution.
Said Ricky McHanohey, legal scholar and Bed, Bath and Beyond Hand Lotion Enthusiast, from his parent’s basement, “What people don’t realize is that you have rights but sometimes those can be taken away if it’s for the public good. Sure, you have the right to free speech but then the Sedition Act of 1918 suspended that right for the public good. Sometimes sacrifices are made. I just fail to see how my and thousands of other’s desire to beat it isn’t a public good worthy of a murder or vehicular manslaughter. I mean you’re weighing someone’s right to privacy against 90% population of males age 18-26. It’s simply not as black and white an issue as people are making it out to be.“
The recently formed super PAC We’re Cumming For The Violation of Your Most Basic Human Rights wholeheartedly endorsed the petition after previously supporting Anthony Weiner’s failed re-election bid.
Per the terms of the We the People website, President Barack Obama is required to respond to the request if it reached 100,000 signatures.
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